I count turds...

I don't do this because I like it, I do it because I have to.  We have three dogs and 5 humans who live in this house.  The 5 humans pretty much all have a handle on going to the bathroom (though I'm the only one who is fluent in toilet paper roll removal and replacement).  The dogs, on the other hand, different story.  The oldest is Tater.  He's a 10 year old pug who, by and large (and I mean large) knows that when nature calls he is to actually GO to nature and answer the call.  Then there is my husband's dog, Maggie.  Maggie is a Yorkie and she is a product of my husband's inability (read laziness) when it comes to housebreaking.  It's hit or miss depending on whether or not he can actually move from his spot in front of his computer and let her out.  Finally there is Dexter...Dexter is the reason I count turds.

Dexter is a year old pug and he is certifiably insane.  I'm not kidding.  He's either insane or missing part of his brain that controls his impulses.  He is by far the hardest dog to potty train I've ever encountered (and I've had some dogs in my day).  Dexter (named after the serial killer on TV) is a serial killer in a dog's body.  I swear our house would be covered in tarps and duct tape and we'd all be strapped to a table if he had thumbs (he needs the thumbs to hold the knife as it turns out).  Dexter will chew up anything and everything if you aren't watching his every move.  It's like inviting a clepto into your home.  You missing a shoe?  Dexter put it somewhere.  You sit a book down and go get a drink?  Dexter will eat the book and wash it down with the drink you bring back.  He's nuts.  But man, is he cute.  He also has a GIANT zit on his face which has been there for about 6 weeks.  (Vet said "ZIT" and we paid him $100).  So Dexter actually look like he's got issues.  He's still cute, zit and all.  Oh Dexter also has alopecia so he has no hair under his armpits or on his stomach.  He looks like a small, balding, zit faced serial killer.  But we keep him cause he's a conversation piece.

Back to the turd counting.  I started counting turds when we brought Dexter home.  I did it to monitor his housetraining.  The fewer turds I counted INSIDE meant there would be more OUTSIDE.  This theory doesn't hold water.  Dexter poops like people chat.   He does it when an idea pops in his head.  I've seen him poop outside, then come inside and poop again...in a clothes basket.  I've seen him pee on every tree, bush, table leg, other dog in the yard and then come inside and pee on the wall.  I've seen him lift both back legs off the ground and pee while standing only on his front legs.  Amazing.  I saw him lift his leg to pee and the poop. See?  He's touched.

The turd counting has continued for a year now.  I keep hoping that I'll find fewer turds inside and then eventually there will only be turds outside.  Some nights I get home and there are ZERO turds in the house.  I am pleased. Then my husband says "No I picked up a turd on the ottoman."  Not pleased.  You think you're making progress and progress eludes you.  He is a crafty pooper.

Now for anyone who fancies themselves a dog trainer I'll submit to you this:  We've been to a few.  The last one simply said (after spending two weeks trying to "understand his needs") that he's just one of those hard to train dogs...no sh*t.  (well...)  Also you might be thinking, "Well Lia walk the dog more."  If you are saying this then you clearly missed the part where I said he poops outside then comes back in and poops again.  He does this after a walk too.